


damian wayne is confused

by impravidus



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Bodyswap, Crack, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, POV Damian Wayne, POV Outsider, one (1) singular pedophilia joke but no actual pedophilia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29222052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impravidus/pseuds/impravidus
Summary: Richard rummages through the fridge with a high tempered aggression, his face set in a scowl that Damian has only seen when he was Batman. He pulls out the glass tupperware of leftover lasagna and eats it cold with a spoon.“Grayson,” Damian says. “How was the mission? Was it a success?”“Fuck off, you little nuisance,” Richard says, voice venomous and mouth filled with noodle and sauce. “I’m this close to blowing my fuckin’ brains out because apparently I get migraines now, so if you could so kindly shut up and get out, that’d be great.”OR: The Batfam gets bodyswapped!
Relationships: Batfamily Members & Damian Wayne
Comments: 14
Kudos: 189





	damian wayne is confused

Damian hates being benched.

As much as he hates to admit it, he is unfortunately burdened by a body, though tougher than most, that is still susceptible to injury. And, against his thorough and adamant protests, he has been forbidden to go on patrol until his broken ankle is healed.

Damian begrudgingly has been staying back as the rest of the family goes out and attempts to occupy his mind with literature and art.

It’s a long sleepless night when Damian pulls himself out of bed for a late night cup of tea. 

That evening which is now nearing its end, the family having gone to investigate the smuggling of magically enhanced weapons. Their capabilities were unknown and they were going in almost blind. Damian would never admit it, but he is concerned.

He hobbles to the kitchen on his crutches and is surprised to see Richard there.

Richard rummages through the fridge with a high tempered aggression, his face set in a scowl that Damian has only seen when he was Batman. He pulls out the glass tupperware of leftover lasagna and eats it cold with a spoon.

“Grayson,” Damian says. “How was the mission? Was it a success?”

“Fuck off, you little nuisance,” Richard says, voice venomous and mouth filled with noodle and sauce. Damian recoils back in surprise. “I’m  _ this _ close to blowing my fuckin’ brains out because apparently I get migraines now, so if you could so kindly shut up and get out, that’d be great.” He gives Damian a grin that is all menace and sarcasm, the expression unsettling on his features. Richard rolls his eyes and mutters into his next spoonful, “this is what happens when you get wrapped up into helping your family.”

Damian is nearly rendered speechless. “You have obviously been compromised. We must take you to the cave immediately.” He grabs his wrist and Richard snatches it back. 

“I’m not  _ compromised,”  _ Richard says with a scoff.

“I’d beg to differ,” Damian says with a frown. Before he can drag Richard there himself, Father enters and gasps overdramatically.

“What are you  _ doing?!”  _

His voice is not stern or commanding. It’s comically aghast and nearly hysterical.

“What’s it look like I’m doing?” Richard asks, eyes narrowed.

“You can’t have  _ my lasagna  _ for  _ breakfast!”  _ Father exclaims.

Damian is very confused.

“Uh, obviously I can?” Richard says, motioning to the lasagna in his hands. “You rather I eat that tooth-rotting shit that this body is clearly craving? Jesus, it’s gotta be a sugar addiction. This can’t be healthy.”

“I was saving that for later!” 

Richard looks at him with annoyance. “It’s later.”

“I was looking forward to that,” Father whines, plopping himself onto the barstool and draping himself on the counter. 

“Stop being so fucking dramatic,” Richard says.

His blatant disrespect for Father is startling.

“I have every right to be dramatic!” Father wails. “I’m in despair! I’m mourning my lunch that will never be!”

“Alfred will make lasagna again,” Richard says flatly.

“But who knows when?!” Father cries. “Alfred’s lasagna is sacred and you are engaging in sacrilege by not cherishing his beautiful, delicious gift.”

Richard nods slowly. “...right.” He takes another bite of the lasagna. “I’m just gonna go eat this in my room and… get as far away from whatever _this_ is.” And with that, he exits.

“Father, are you unwell? You aren’t… yourself,” Damian says, voice twinged with uncertainty and wariness.

Father grimaces slightly. “I’m guessing no one’s brought you up to speed?”

Damian scrutinizes him. “No. Grayson has been uncharacteristically hostile and unhelpful.”

Father sighs. “That’s because…” Before he can continue, there’s a maelstrom of overlapping voices.

The rest of the team enters the kitchen, all still in their costume.

“I swear to God, if you even  _ think _ about changing while we’re like this, I’m going to personally castrate you with a batarang,” Drake hisses at Brown. “Don’t even think I’m joking. You know I will.”

Brown, whose expression is unusually blank, brow furrowed in exasperation, buries her face in her hands. “We don’t know how long it’ll take until we can switch back…” she starts, voice monotonous. 

“Well then we better figure it out!” Drake exclaims, hands waving erratically. 

Brown scowls.

“Hey!” Drake says harshly. “Uh uh. Stop brooding with my face. I already don’t moisturize. I don’t need any other reasons to get premature wrinkles.”

Brown’s scowl deepens. 

“You are hopeless! You are sabotaging my youthful beauty!” Drake huffs. He pokes a finger into Steph’s chest. “You better not use the bathroom until we fix this. That’s like… pedophile adjacent.”

Brown groans, pinching the bridge of her nose. “It is  _ not—” _

Before she continues, Todd stumbles in, his strides awkward, while sputtering out curses.

“Still getting used to the extra foot, huh?” Drake asks.

“It’s not  _ my  _ fault he’s built like freaking Mount Justice!” Todd whines. He takes another fumbling step but obviously steps too heavily and falls onto his face.

Damian grins. Any misfortune to the heathen delights him.

“You alright?” Drake asks, a smirk on his lips.

“No,” Todd replies, face still on the hardwood. "This sucks. So not asterous."

“That better not have been my body!” Richard’s muffled voice shouts.

Brown is about to make some sort of a rebuttal but goes tense, hands hovering over her stomach as her knees buckle slightly. Her eyes squeeze shut as she takes long, slow breaths.

At the same time, Todd tries to pull himself up, but his hands completely over-anticipate the floor and slam onto the ground. “Ow.”

“Here, babybird, let’s get you up,” Father says softly, pulling Todd up gently and helping him steady his weight.

“Has Todd been drugged?” Damian questions.

“Unless Alfred laced the lasagna with narcotics, I don’t think so?” Father says.

Damian doesn’t quite know how to respond to that.

Father’s eyes go wide. “Right. You don’t know. We—”

“What  are you  _ doing?!”  _ Todd screeches.

Drake’s hands freeze where he was groping his chest. “Not having boobs is  _ great _ dude. If you didn’t have such bad posture, I’d be really relishing in the lack of back pain right now.”

“You can’t just—”

“Hey, it’s not like it’s anything I haven’t felt before," Drake quips.

“What?” Brown asks, voice harsh and tight.

“Not in front of my dad!” Todd hisses.

Brown’s eyes soften. “Dad?” 

Todd freezes. “Don’t make a big deal out of it, B.”

“You can’t just drop bombs like that and not expect his emotional constipation to kick in,” Drake says, leaning on the wall with an amused grin.

“Be nice,” Father scolds lightly. “We  _ all _ are emotionally constipated." His gaze goes to Brown. "Where we got that from, who knows.” 

“It’s the trauma!” Todd chirps happily.

“Trauma: the thing that hinders your abilities to make strong, healthy relationships but also makes you hilarious,” Drake says. “I think it’s a fair tradeoff.”

“Seconded,” Todd says.

“Do not romanticize trauma, guys,” Father says, voice tired and slightly pleading.

“But it’s just so fun!” Todd says with a playful pout.

“Settle!” Brown commands. 

Surprisingly, everyone stills, standing straight.

Brown’s eyes are hard and determined. “We need to be under observation in case there are unforeseen effects. So, cave. Now.”

“But B—”

“It’s  _ ass crack o’clock—” _

“Guys, c’mon, listen to Bruce—”

Damian’s eyes shot to Father who had just referred to himself in the third person. “What exactly happened during patrol?”

Father sighs, shaking his head with an apologetic smile. “The device was a—”

Suddenly, Father cuts himself off, his posture finally shifting to the familiar stiff broad shoulders and tall back of a leader.

“Yes?” Damian urges.

“Well that was easy,” Brown says perkily.

Todd groans, turning Damian’s attention to him. “What the fuck did he do to my nose?” He rubs his nose and looks around. “Aw, c’mon. I was just about to finish that lasagna.”

Damian’s eyebrows shoot up, realization dawning. “Ah. I see.”

“Jesus,” Brown says. “I know pregnancy made my bladder weak, but this is ridiculous. How much water did you drink?” 

Father shrugs. “You were dehydrated.”

“And I’m gonna go dehydrate myself right now.” She holds up her index and middle finger. “Peace!”

Drake yawns. “And… I’m gonna go sleep for a week. Only wake me if there’s an emergency like imminent death, forest fire or Krispy Kreme recontinuing the campfire donuts.” Drake yawns and salutes lethargically before exiting.

“Well, this was a shitshow,” Todd says. “Remind me again to never team up with you again.” And he too exits.

Richard trudges into the kitchen. “I feel like I’m about to explode. Why did he eat that whole lasagna?”

“Take some Tums,” Father instructs.

“Already on it, B.” Richard holds a fist to his mouth as he belches quietly. “Ugh, that does not taste as good that way.” After he pops the tablets into his mouth, he turns to Father.  “Try to get some sleep, alright?” 

“You too, chum.”

Father approaches Damian and crouches to get at his level which no longer feels demeaning or patronizing. “What are you still doing up?” 

“I was feeling restless. Needed some tea.”

Father hums. “I could use a cup.”

“Would you care to join me?” Damian asks, trying to not let his hopefulness be too evident in his tone.

Father smiles. “I’d love to.”

Damian grabs his and Father’s favorite mugs, two bags of chamomile tea and pours in water from the kettle. “So, you were in Brown’s body?”

Father hesitates. “Yes. I was.”

Damian’s brows scrunch. “But she is currently on her menstrual cycle.”

“I’m aware,” Father says, teeth clenched.

“Well,” Damian says, clearing his throat, “it is a relief that things have been settled.”

Father nods. “Indeed.” Father’s brows draw together as he shifts in his seat. “Dick! Why aren’t I wearing my cup?!”

**Author's Note:**

> if you were wondering and/or still confused, here is who was swapped
> 
> jason is dick  
> dick is bruce  
> bruce is steph  
> steph is tim  
> tim is jason
> 
> if you want to chat, my tumblr is [official-impravidus](https://official-impravidus.tumblr.com/)


End file.
